Interethnic Marriages
"You are not Kazakh - taboo."
Photo by Vitaliy Grin
project by kamila syrym and arina fomina
Starting a family is one of the most important moments in everyone's life. Most people give preference to partners of their own nationality, but in today's world, inter-ethnic marriages are not considered uncommon. This is especially true in multicultural and multinational Kazakhstan. More than 130 nationalities live in Kazakhstan. The country is widely known for its hospitality, peacefulness, and friendliness. But when it comes to marriage between two nationalities, people are divided into two fronts. Some say that such families often fall apart. However, couples who have entered into mixed marriages say that "international" families help reduce ethnic tensions in society. We conducted an online social survey and found out that the younger the generation, the easier it is for interethnic marriages, especially among women aged 18 to 21. But of course, there were those who opposed and explained the personal reasons "why".
However, a personal human example of tragic love with a happy ending - why not a Disney fairy tale?
Almost a year ago, Beksultan, a Kazakh nationality, proposed to Ella, who is half Korean and half Russian. They have been together for a total of 6 years and in that time have had time to put their relationship to the test. According to Beksultan, the news of a Korean girl did not make him very happy, to say the least. "When I brought Ella - she was still just my girlfriend - to meet my mother, my mother was certainly not thrilled. Because it's a completely different way of life, a different mentality, a different perception, everything is completely different. All the more that we are from the South, I have Chui roots. I think it's clear how conservative people often feel about such relationships," says Beksultan. Already at that time Beksultan understood that he would have to fight for his relationship and hold his ground to the bitter end. During the five years of building their relationship the couple broke up and got back together more than once. Mostly it was Ella's initiative, but the reason was not the girl's coldness of feelings, but the rejection of the partner's family. Beksultan's mother, Aigul, and older sister, Madina, disliked Ella almost from the first meeting. Beksultan confesses that he still wonders what caused such a sharp antipathy: was it really because of her different nationality and potential difference in mentality, or was it simply a woman's jealousy? The two lovers had to walk a thorny path: to broaden their worldview, to learn to compromise, to talk and discuss things that are obvious to themselves, but not usual for their partner.
Almost a year ago, Beksultan, a Kazakh nationality, proposed to Ella, who is half Korean and half Russian. They have been together for a total of 6 years and in that time have had time to put their relationship to the test. According to Beksultan, the news of a Korean girl did not make him very happy, to say the least. "When I brought Ella - she was still just my girlfriend - to meet my mother, my mother was certainly not thrilled. Because it's a completely different way of life, a different mentality, a different perception, everything is completely different. All the more that we are from the South, I have Chui roots. I think it's clear how conservative people often feel about such relationships," says Beksultan. Already at that time Beksultan understood that he would have to fight for his relationship and hold his ground to the bitter end. During the five years of building their relationship the couple broke up and got back together more than once. Mostly it was Ella's initiative, but the reason was not the girl's coldness of feelings, but the rejection of the partner's family. Beksultan's mother, Aigul, and older sister, Madina, disliked Ella almost from the first meeting. Beksultan confesses that he still wonders what caused such a sharp antipathy: was it really because of her different nationality and potential difference in mentality, or was it simply a woman's jealousy? The two lovers had to walk a thorny path: to broaden their worldview, to learn to compromise, to talk and discuss things that are obvious to themselves, but not usual for their partner.
Slowly learn each other's family and ethnic traditions, respect them and think about which ones can be combined. Another stumbling block in the lovers' lives was the issue of religion and creed. In the case of Ella and Beksultan, they were lucky in this respect. The girl's family, and Ella herself, were not attached to any particular religion. "We essentially believe in God, but we can't call ourselves Christians like many Koreans or Muslims either," Ella explained. The girl admits that she will definitely need to adopt her husband's religion, but she wants to come to this on her own, as time goes on.
Photo by Vitaliy Grin
As time passed, Beksultan tried to bring his sweetheart to almost every family event and introduced her to his other relatives, things were slowly but surely moving towards marriage and marriage. Ella made all her efforts to please her future relatives, learning the traditions and customs, trying to be sweet and friendly. The girl tried to spoil her future husband and his family with home-cooked meals and baked goods that she prepared with her own hands. The relationship between the women warmed considerably. Minor quarrels and disagreements still occurred, of course, but were no longer such frequent guests in their understanding and attitudes
Last summer the couple became engaged. Aigul, Beksultan's mother, was no longer so adamant about Ella and had nothing against their union. In five years, a common language, albeit with great difficulty, was found.
"In principle, my attitude is positive, after living with my daughter-in-law for a year, I have revised my views, I don't have a negative attitude towards their marriage," says Aigul.
"In principle, my attitude is positive, after living with my daughter-in-law for a year, I have revised my views, I don't have a negative attitude towards their marriage," says Aigul.
| Photo by Kamila Syrym |
Now, the woman herself does not know why she was so strongly against her son's international marriage, because she has never judged people on racial or ethnic grounds. "I don't know why, I was categorically against it, I couldn't and can't explain it, because I have nothing against Koreans or Russians. In general, I do not have a negative attitude towards any nation. Everything worked out the way it did, a lot of patience and a lot of hard work on the part of the lovers paid off. You could say that not only the young couple learned to listen to each other:
"I realised that she is a very good, kind, very polite girl. And I see that to some extent the Korean mentality is somewhat similar to the Kazakh one. On that basis, at the moment I'm very happy with my daughter-in-law. I understand that my son's happiness and moral well-being is the most important thing for me. If he's happy with her, then why not? - Aigul admits.
"I realised that she is a very good, kind, very polite girl. And I see that to some extent the Korean mentality is somewhat similar to the Kazakh one. On that basis, at the moment I'm very happy with my daughter-in-law. I understand that my son's happiness and moral well-being is the most important thing for me. If he's happy with her, then why not? - Aigul admits.
| Photo by Kamila Syrym |
Especially for this issue, Beksultan and Ella gave some of their main advices that helped them through all the difficulties and to build up their family.
Well, we have understood and made sure that with enough effort and diligence, it is possible to build a strong family in interethnic relations. But then why do many Kazakhs continue to say that such marriages are not stable? Is it because it is more difficult to work on such relationships? But any relationship is first of all a lot of hard work and it must be present regardless of the nationality of the partner. So maybe it's not about that at all? Not the instability? Or maybe there is some kind of personal interest here?
Well, we have understood and made sure that with enough effort and diligence, it is possible to build a strong family in interethnic relations. But then why do many Kazakhs continue to say that such marriages are not stable? Is it because it is more difficult to work on such relationships? But any relationship is first of all a lot of hard work and it must be present regardless of the nationality of the partner. So maybe it's not about that at all? Not the instability? Or maybe there is some kind of personal interest here?
Maybe the problem lies deeper than it may seem at first sight?
We invited a cultural researcher to answer this question in order to understand, at least partly, what is the reason for such strong antipathy towards one of the most friendly and hospitable countries in the world, as some 30 years ago, people reacted more calmly to such unions.
Another interesting fact is that people are not always able to give a concrete reason for their disagreement and violent reaction to international relations.
"In the East, the choice of spouse is strictly guided by the immediate family and the rest of the family. The family is a kind of filter that the applicant has to pass before he or she becomes a candidate for the marriage union. There are clear selection criteria that must be met by such a candidate: is he from a good family, what is his profession, is he independent? For women, there are other criteria: is she from a good family? Is she a good hostess? Does she have a good reputation? Parents, aunts, uncles and so on make the decision first, and then they present the candidate in an attractive way. In this way, the marriage is prepared and concluded in agreement with the parental family,"- the expert explained.
Another interesting fact is that people are not always able to give a concrete reason for their disagreement and violent reaction to international relations.
"In the East, the choice of spouse is strictly guided by the immediate family and the rest of the family. The family is a kind of filter that the applicant has to pass before he or she becomes a candidate for the marriage union. There are clear selection criteria that must be met by such a candidate: is he from a good family, what is his profession, is he independent? For women, there are other criteria: is she from a good family? Is she a good hostess? Does she have a good reputation? Parents, aunts, uncles and so on make the decision first, and then they present the candidate in an attractive way. In this way, the marriage is prepared and concluded in agreement with the parental family,"- the expert explained.
Thus, we conclude that mentality has an even more important role here. Kazakhstan by its cultural heritage has a lot in common with Eastern orders and customs. One can suppose that such a sharp and sometimes incomprehensible antipathy can be explained by the inherited experience of many years. That was somewhat repressed under the slogans of the Soviet regime, and was awakened again with the revival of the past values.
